Monday, March 21, 2011

Happy New Year, Grandma!

Happy New Year everybody!!  Iranian new year (Norouz) is the first day of spring, and here we are!!  So for all of you who have been looking for a day where you can start things fresh, or retry your resolutions, here it is!  Above is a picture of the Iranian New Year's traditional table - the Haft-Seen (7 s's - everything on the table starts with an "s" sound).

Of course we called my Grandma in Iran to wish her a happy new year, and this year since my dad and sister are at her house visiting, it was very important that we call immediately upon the arrival of new year's. 

Grandma loves herself a phone call.  A typical conversation with her revolves around saying hello, telling her she has a big butt (she thinks that's hilarious!), and then her asking me about Fatty.  Grandma knows what counts.  Which is why the change in tone of our conversations recently is all the more jarring.  She's never been the type, but recently she's focused on instilling Grandma guilt from halfway across the world.  She is my mother's mother, after all.  The following is a transcript of my conversation with Grandma yesterday, of course translated from Persian:

DH:  "Hey Grandma!"

G-ma: "Hi Desperate Housedaughter dear!"

DH:  "How are you??  Happy New Year!"

G-ma:  "Happy New Year!!  I have a big fat, big fat, BIG FAT WHAT????"

DH:  "Butt, Grandma.  You have a big fat butt."


DH:  "Oh, Grandma."


DH:  "Grandma!  Focus!"

G-ma:  "HAHAHAHA....[deep breath]...So how's Fatty?"

DH:  "She's good.  She likes to eat, sleep, the usual.  She doesn't do much else."

G-ma:  "Really?  Why not?  Doesn't she have things to do?"

DH:  "What things would she do?  She's a cat."

G-ma:  "Right.  So DH I'm wondering something.  When are you going to, you know..."

DH:  "Huh?"

G-ma:  "Well, I mean, I'm 87, and it looks like I'm sticking around for a while, but..."

DH:  "Huh?"


[DH internal monologue :  "Um, Grandma, we talk maybe a few times a year from over 6,000 miles away, and you're spending this time to guilt me about when I'm going to get married?  Are you serious?  I'm still kind of afraid of boys, Grandma!  This is so cliche!  Again, are you serious?  Why do you care?  We talk about big butts, Grandma!"]

DH:  "[Sigh]  Grandma, my sister's right there with you, and she's 10 years older than me.  Why don't you ask her and focus on when she's going to get married instead."

G-ma:  "Ok, DH dear.  Make sure you drive carefully and not too fast."

DH:  "Ok Grandma.  Happy new year!"

G-ma:  "Happy new year!"

Yeah, I threw my sister under the bus to avoid discussing marriage with my Grandma.  I'm classy.  Sometimes it's cute to be related to people with archaic (perhaps simple) values, but only when it doesn't affect me!  Alas, my Grandma is who she is - a nice 87 year old Iranian lady with a big butt who just wants to see her grandkids get married, and then of course make babies.

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