Sunday, April 24, 2011

I just gave Cesar Millan a run for his $$$

Seems like mentioning Cesar a couple of posts ago channeled something in me.

Our neighbors have a variety of pets - a charming Maltese named Cookie, a mixed terrier named Jackson (Fatty's boyfriend who would oft visit her on our deck), and last but not least, today's culprit, the gorgeous white Siberian Husky, Nanook.

Oh Nanook, how lucky you are that I am an animal lover!  Just minutes ago I saw a huge white blur zip across our front yard, and I opened the front door to see if someone had brought their dog for a walk in the conservation land across the street.  That's the usual reason there are dogs in our yard, but there was no one there.  The big white dog was then running across the street and into the woods.  "Is that Nanook?" I thought.  We have coyotes all over this neighborhood, so seeing pets joyrunning without their owners nearby really worries me.  I yelled his name a few times, but nothing.  Then I looked down to see Fatty attempting to sneak past my leg out the front door.  Good try, cat, but NOPE. 

Nanook was still in the woods, so I yelled, whistled, and clapped, but nothing.  I took a pause, then whistled a bunch of times in a row.  Yes!  Nanook stopped galavanting and looked up, then suddenly took off running toward me.  SUCCESS!  His owners weren't outside looking for him, so I didn't think they had a clue he'd escaped. 

Nanook came to our front door, and like the good boy he is, sat immediately when I pushed down on his hind quarters and grabbed his collar.  PS, it's not that easy to hold down a really freaking large dog with one hand on his collar.  I admire L.L. Cool Cesar for that.  I threw on my sneakers one handed and hauled that large white fluffpuff over to his house, and his owners met me halfway down their driveway in their truck, clearly on their way to dog-hunt.  "How did you get him to come to you???" they asked.

Neighbors, here's your answer:  It's cause I'm awesome.  Not only do I keep criminals off our street, but I also rescue puppies.  I'm about 15% down the path to my dream job of being a vigilante :)

Saturday, April 23, 2011


So, I called the cops on some kids yesterday.  Yeah.  I'm a little torn about it.  I mean on the one hand, AWESOME.  And on the other hand, I feel like a snitchy mean old crusty person.

They show up on my street religiously, every weekend, and now on Fridays too, to smoke weed and drink Bud Light and whatever else they're up to, and they park on the one end of the cul-de-sac where they can basically be invisible to anyone in their houses.  That is, except to me!  Why?   (Binoculars).  Yeah, I'm totally creepy!!!

I saw their car drive by yesterday while I was on the phone with my sister, and this is like the 30th time I've seen it in the last 2 weeks, so I was like, EFF THIS.  I'm calling the cops!  My parents pay serious property taxes to live here, and waa waaa old boring people reasoning, these kids need to FIND A NEW PLACE FOR THEIR DEBAUCHERY!  I get it - I did some dumb sh*t in high school, but that's what the woods are for!!  Not my street!

So the cops were like, where are you calling from, so I was like, my cell phone.  Come get these damn kids.  About 5 minutes later, BAM!  2 cop cars, one kid making a fast getaway on his bike, and a handful of other kids getting BUSTED!  It was, I'm not gonna lie, Ah-Ma-Zing to watch their stupid scrawny rich 16 year old butts get hit by the letter of the law.  I hope their parents hung them out to dry when they got home.

I realize it's kind of crusty of me, and if I lived in a city I wouldn't even look twice at drunk kids, but the suburbs have gotten me uptight and old lady-ish!  Even my 38 year old sister was aghast, laughing at me nonstop and mocking me openly for calling the cops on some kids!  And I kept on defending myself!!  I hate those stupid kids!  If I had a huge guard dog, I'd send it to go bite them! 

So yeah, I think I did the right thing, and I hope those stupid kids never show up here again.  Take your party elsewhere.  Oh, and PS, if you hadn't yelled rude shit at me and my mom one time when we were walking by you, I never would have busted you.  So maybe be nice, and don't do drugs :)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Cat Is Some Kind of Humanoid

I suspect that Fatty might actually be a very oddly shapped, furry human.  With magic powers.  Please review:

1)  Her new morningtime ritual involves (after being fed) meowing loudly from downstairs until I wake up, toddle over, and wave to her.  Then she runs up to my room and rolls around on the floor.  She appears to like having company around.  I thought cats were solitary?  But guess what - humans aren't!

2)  Fatty is currently rubbing her face on the computer screen.  Ok, that's not human-y, but it's a little weird.  Maybe she wants to use the internet to check the Petco site?

3)  Fatty can read my mind (magic power) - she knows I'm writing about her, so she has now installed herself on my bed while I type, at approximately my ankles, and is staring at my fingers intensely.  Don't worry, Fatty, it's not slander!!  I love you, you fluffy puff!

4)  Fatty enjoys manipulation - she is now purring and looking extra cute in an attempt to get me to stop typing and give her the loves.  It's a cat version of batting your eyelashes at a cute boy, really.

5)  Fatty now has full on conversations with not just me, but pretty much anyone who meows at her.  She meows back, then you ask her a question, then she meows again.  It used to be meow-meow on both sides, but now I just ask her questions in English and she answers in meows.  It's adorable, but when it starts to make sense to you, unless you're Cesar Millan or Doctor Doolittle, maybe it's time to either see a therapist or check to make sure your cat isn't growing opposable thumbs.

When I meet other people's cats, they just aren't like this!  I wonder if it's because she's always been an only cat, so she's more people-y than other cats?  Any thoughts, my fellow cat-owners?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Only Phone in our House

My family is one of the only families, potentially on Earth and not just in the USA, who has only one phone in the entirety of the house.  We have cell phones, sure, but when it comes to the land line, there's only one, and it's in the kitchen.

Our house has an open layout, and the kitchen is at the center of the home.  The net result of this is that anyone using the landline can be heard clearly and loudly throughout the entire house.  The effect is not that different from sitting next to a really irritating cell phone user when you're stuck on the train or walking behind them on the sidewalk - you're hearing one side of a conversation, and it ain't interesting.

When someone is on the phone, no one else in the house can make any noise.  Why?  Because then the person on the phone can't hear their own conversation (again due to the nature of our house).  So that means no TV, no typing too loudly on the computer, and no having your own cell phone conversation anywhere on the first floor. 

The TV is another issue - it's located in our family room, the only room with slightly more potential to generate house-filling noise than the kitchen.  Thanks, friendly architect!  When someone is watching TV here, it permeates the pores of your skin and makes your intestines shake.  And when your dear father is hard of hearing, wearing earplugs around the house doesn't seem like the weirdest idea anymore.

Since I'm being a huge bizatch today, my mom is making phone calls so that she can achieve her appropriate human interaction quota.  Unfortunately, that is making me grouchy since I'm trying to have a quiet day, but I can hear her conversations throughout our house.  Maybe I'll have a bowling lane installed in my room, and that'll solve everyone's problems!


I've experienced many living situations in my life so far, from living with random roommates to having my sister as a roommate to living alone in a teeny studio apartment to the current chez les parents situation (not all involved a feline, sadly).  All of these have pluses and minuses, and I generally prefer to live with others for the simple but real reason that no one's there to check any of my neuroses when I live alone, so they fly too freely on the crazy flagpole!!

Though infrequent, however, there are times when I wake up in the morning and am utterly incapable of interaction with another being - feline, human, or otherwise.  And that's today, fo sho.  My threshold for socialization has already been met this weekend - I had a busy day of friend-time yesterday, and consequently, today the only friends with whom I'd like to interact are the Real Housewives of New York and the comically touching staff of TGS.  I have phone calls to make and a cat to feed, but other than that, YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

So in comic intervention from the universe, today is, in addition to being a day where Fatty decided to wake me up multiple times starting at 6 AM with various mews and grunts to express her displeasure at being hungry and unfed, one of my mom's perkiest days EVER. 

Maybe it's because we test drove a Prius on Friday (I'll check under her bed for a unicorn), but my Mom woke up today with sunshine in her eyes and rainbows coming out of her fingertips.  She's delighted to be alive, and she's not afraid to show it.  I, to represent the other hand, want to hide under my bed with my TV, cut the phone lines, and ignore all other life forms until tomorrow. 

Poor Mom has tried everything - feeding me blackberries, smiling at me a lot, and ignoring the fact that I ate a turkey sandwich at 10 AM for breakfast (not easy for her, trust).  She's invited me to go out and frolic with her, but nothing's working, Mom, and it's not you, it's definitely me!  ME WANT TV AND NAPPING.

Poor Mom isn't the only one suffering my wrath.  I'm so tired that I told my dad during his breakfast monologue/bad joke gag reel that maybe he should write new material.  I stopped short of telling him to keep his day job.  He looked sullen.  Even the cat steered clear of me after I fed her, too.  At least that b*tch can read body language.

Dear readers, what am I to do?  I have a case of the "leave me alones," but I have one perky and one meh parent staring at me with hope, despite it all.  Coffee?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Parental Supervision, or "Mom, Dad, I'm not 12 anymore"

Ah my lovely parents.  I am so proud of them for their behavior this weekend!  I went to NYC to visit one of my besties from college on Saturday morning, and I got back last night.

I was impressed by the following things on the course of my trip:

1) Astoria - what a little oasis in a hectic city of freak show! 

2) Route 15, Merritt Parkway in Connecticut - waaaay prettier than 95, and faster!

3) My parents - for the reasons detailed below:

My parents, against every instinct that they have as people, did not call me ONCE during my weekend in New York.  Not even to check and make sure I'd made it there safely.  They didn't even ask me to call them when I arrived or ANYTHING.  This was so shocking to my friend I was visiting (she knows them well) that she mentioned multiple times, "DH, I can't believe you parents haven't called you yet!!  I'm proud of them!"

One might assume that like typical parents of a 28 year old woman, they would seize the opportunity to galavant around town, forget they have a fully capable adult child living at home with them, and basically HAVE FUN.  But I know them, and I know that they got itchy fingers and picked up the phone, pushed almost my entire phone number, and hung up before the line connected, knowing they needed to give me space. 

So congratulations, my parents - you did it!  You spent a weekend not talking to me, and all was well!  And I hear you went into Boston and partied, so good for you!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Having a Virus - Me, not the Computer

Readers!  Lovely gorgeous friends!  I apologize for not blogging since last Monday.  Sometime between Monday and Tuesday, I managed to become a snot filled sinus achey cranky sicky poo, and that lasted till approximately Saturday evening, when I had a spontaneous recovery and went out for ice cream.  Glorious!