Snarky Disaster Coping Strategies

Laughter is the best medicine, blah blah blah, of course not if you really need help, in which case food or medical attention may be the best medicine.  Like right now in Japan, they'd probably prefer clothing and shelter and nuclear shielding. 

I'm not trying to make light of the situation in Japan.  I'm so sorry for those people and their loss of life and livelihood.  Here is a link to the Red Cross if you are able to donate. 

Please note, though, that the rest of this post includes snarking about disaster scenarios and may offend those who are feeling sensitive:  reader discretion is advised!


I am in the midst of this gchat conversation with one of my besties, Sarah:

D.H.: sarah!

what is going on in the world? specifically japan????

 

sarah: I got home thursday night and my roommate was watching TV... what the H*** is wrong with news reporters they just flew over all these ppl calling for help and left them!

 

D.H.: oh man, yeah i have no idea

it's crazy overall

makes me definitely not want to move anywhere near the pacific ocean

also makes me sure the apocalypse is night

nigh*

 

sarah:   I'd rather deal with an earthquake than a hurricane

 

D.H.:  well now it seems like earthquakes come with tsunamis

which are basically meaner hurricanes

 

sarah:   there are these crazy ppl who are driving up and down the country saying the apocolypse has started and the world will end in November.... maybe not so crazy ;) 

 

D.H.:  yeah for real

apparently earth hates us

which, let's face it

duh

 

sarah:   yeah, I'd hate us too

 

D.H.:  i'm waiting for the yellowstone caldera to erupt any day now

now moving to my own private island is less appealing

unless of course my island home is at an elevation of at least 2000 feet

 

sarah:   hahaha

it would be awesome.

maybe an underground, waterproof bunker could work?

 

D.H.:  i feel like no matter what, though, it'd spring a leak

 

sarah:   somthing with an escape hatch, but nothing else above ground?

but then you would drown and that would be super sad

 

D.H.:  well hav eyou seen that thing on the history channel

about people fearing the end of the world in 2012

 

sarah:   no?

 

D.H.:  so they're buying the underground bunkers in th emidwest

yeah, no joke

there are realtors just for those!

i can't believe people are buying bunkers!

like, i'm nuts, for sure

but here's the thing - if the world is coming to an end, like for real

i'd rather just expire quickly myself than fight it out in an underground bunker

 

sarah:   hahah omg

that is awesome

 

D.H.:  i kind of want to put an opinion poll up on my blog about this

 

sarah:   if the end of the world comes when in I am in LA, I hope I just get wiped out with the rest of the population

there isn't any water here -- it is a desert!!!!

anyone who survives is going to just die of thirst

totally not cool

 

D.H.:  yeah that's what i'm saying!

it's like, if you're going to have to fight for survival

then f*** it!

why wouldn't you just be like, PEEACE OUT B*TCHES!!! and just face an immediate death rather than the potential for a drawn out one that is relatively unpredictable

 

sarah:   haha, well it might be fun in the northwest, but I'd only do it places where they still have widllife and natural water.... and the midwest doesn't!!!! if you are going to be a survivalist, they should at least choose the right area!!

no point in struggling in a non sustainable area... that is when I just hole up and find something fun to do for the last few days ;)

 

D.H.:  yeah agreed, however in any other scenario

i'd make some mac and cheese and hug fatty until the certain end arrived

 

sarah:   love it!

so on the same page with that

though I guess I'd be hugging my dog

 

D.H.:  you can come join me

assuming you can get to me

i'll make extra mac and cheese

 

sarah:  haha, I'll make the trek with an extra box of powdered milk for the mac and cheese

as I pass all the silly ppl trying to survive on my way to boston, i'd say no thanks, I am just heading to a friends to eat mac and cheese and laugh at the world for our last few days

 

D.H.:  they'll all be terrified and you'll be like, whatevs we're watching Supernatural and eating dairy

Dear readers, I ask of you - what would you do in the event of a disaster of epic proportions?  Run, fight, or join me for mac and cheese?  Please RSVP if so - I need to know how much to make.  Let me know what you would do in the comments!